Tag Archives: young women

HAPPY 2016: NEW CLASSES, CLUBS AND EVENTS

artemis2014fall

AFTER SCHOOL 2016: JANUARY TO JUNE

90 MINUTES PER WEEK

SLV HIGH: TUESDAY 3-4:30 ROOM H-202

FELTON ALTERNATIVE/ HOME SCHOOL GROUP: WEDNESDAY 1-2:30

LOCATED HERE: https://www.facebook.com/Felton-Commons-837756379626051/
Questions?

831-218-5878

No one turned away for lack of funds!
Payment plans and scholarships available.
WINTER/SPRING: 22 meetings: suggested donation of $380.00

 

UPCOMING:

Feature Article in Growing Up In Santa Cruz March 2016 Issue

Beneficiary of the YONIVERSE MONOLOGUES: Performances on March 3, 4, and 12th @8PM at the 418 Project in SC

REGISTER NOW FOR THIS NEW CLASS:

WRITING CLASS

JUNIOR HIGH AND HIGH SCHOOL AGED
THURSDAYS BEGINNING JANUARY 28TH

Learn to use the internet, not get used by it!
Express yourself,
Create your online Avatar!
Publish.

Registration through Santa Cruz Park and Recreation beginning Monday the 11th of January here: Santa Cruz Park and Rec Registration

Louden Nelson Center
420-5270

UPCOMING:

REGISTER FOR JEDI WARRIOR PRIESTESS Rites of passage weekends and week long empowerment trainings beginning APRIL 2016. Discounts for those in after school camps.

Window

Artemis

ha
that little sound whittles its own way into my chest
poking and prodding and snickering around and about my heart.

ha

the looks
the stares
they overwhelm me
i am crying inside
fat soppy salties that ache.

part of me wants to scream

fine! fine!
part of me wants to yell
i hate you ALL!
part of me wants to whisper
no.

i don’t say

a word.

they want to fold me up and stuff me in their NO-THING-UN-NORMAL box.

they want to jam me into their skimpy dresses and show me off to the boys.

they want to paint my face to look picture pretty perfect!
they want me to be like them
just like them.

but i am no mirror of society

i am no puppet to be worked by the performer’s hand

I AM NO WISH OF SOMETHING NOT THERE!

i am this imperfect little globe
of truth.

I AM NO MIRROR OF ALL THAT ISN’T!

i am a window
to the real me.

~ Glass Phoenix

She Fell in Love

my best friendhands
fell in love
when we were 15,
and disappeared
into a world
i am not
a part of.

“wait for me”
i would whisper
“i’m not ready for you
to be gone from my life
yet.”

but she was in love
and didn’t hear me.

i still whisper sometimes
to the spot in me
she used to be.

“i still love you, sister.”
i tell her empty seat
“i still can be your friend”
but she has run away
from me.

now we are 16
and my best friend
is still in love.

and here i am
sitting under the tree
watching the water
in my cup
ripple
as i breath on it.

all i wanted
was a hug.

~ Glass Phoenix

 

Pain Does Not Live

I tried to kill the pain.
I tried to kill pain, not me.
But I birthed a more evil existence than pain.
Invisible to all but me, it lives inside my mind pulsing through my bloodstream.
I tried to kill the pain,
but instead I now try to kill this evil spirit.
Only I can see it,
It holds the pain inside me.
It kills the pain  but like good things it comes with a cost,
and this time the cost is me.

I wanted to kill the pain.
I wanted to drown it,
like it drowned me.
It drowned me in darkness.

I tried to cut it out, but then realized it was not easy to do so.
I tried to rip it out of my mind. I tried to bruise it so it would feel what it caused me.
I tried to kill the pain inside of me.

I tried to smother it out, but it killed my light before I understood,
I could not takes its light because it contained nothing but the darkness it saved me from.
I realized we would have to live as one.
It held the pain so I wouldn’t have to.

But I did have to.
I tried to kill the pain.
I tried to run from it, I tried to run so far the demon would not be able to reside in me.
But it seemed to be me.

It seemed that it was undefeatable
I cried and cried
and then it clicked.

Darkness is defeated by light,
hate can be diffused with love,
pain can be replaced with comfort.

so I sat,
I loved
I accepted
I tried to kill the pain
but pain does not live.
It can’t be killed but it can be
replaced.

~Lotus Blossom

black-and-white-lion-face

Tried To Kill The Pain. Instead I Loved It.

I tried to kill the pain.
I tried to kill pain, not me.

But I birthed a more evil existence than pain.
Invisible to all but me, it lives inside my mind pulsing through my bloodstream.

I tried to kill the pain,
but instead I now try to kill this evil spirit.

Only I can see it,
It holds the pain inside me.

It kills the pain  but like good things it comes with a cost,
and this time the cost is me.

 

I wanted to kill the pain.
I wanted to drown it,
like it drowned me.
It drowned me in darkness.

I tried to cut it out, but then realized it was not easy to do so.
I tried to rip it out of my mind. I tried to bruise it so it would feel what it caused me.
I tried to kill the pain inside of me.

I tried to smother it out, but it killed my light before I understood,
I could not takes its light because it contained nothing but the darkness it saved me from.
I realized we would have to live as one.

It held the pain so I wouldn’t have to.
But I did have to.

I tried to kill the pain.
I tried to run from it, I tried to run so far the demon would not be able to reside in me.
But it seemed to be me.

It seemed that it was undefeatable
I cried and cried
and then it clicked.

Darkness is defeated by light,
hate can be diffused with love,
pain can be replaced with comfort.

so I sat,
I loved
I accepted

I tried to kill the pain
but pain does not live.

It can’t be killed but it can be
replaced.


~Lotus Blossom

black-black-and-white-depressed-depression-sad-Favim.com-55858

“I Couldn’t Put It Into Words” by Anonymous

I considered myself a risk-taker, but I never really would have thought of it as a risk.

I guess I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t prepared for something like this to happen. I guess what I mean is, I trusted him. Even though I’d always known it was a bad idea to do something like that, to trust someone, but I guess I was just too naive.

We were friends; we had met earlier that year, when he announced his strong liking for me. I didn’t feel the same way, and I made that clear, but like a lost puppy, he clung to me like I was the most precious thing he’d ever laid eyes on. I can’t say I liked it, to be honest it was kind of weird for someone to pay so much interest in me, but I guess I didn’t want to be mean, so I let him in, let him be my friend… let him get close to me. That was my first mistake.

He tried countless times, asking me out, saying how he couldn’t live without me, and making it known that he was extremely hopelessly depressed…. because he couldn’t have me.
That was like someone had ropes around my heart, and they would keep pulling tighter and tighter—I didn’t like it at all.

I couldn’t dismiss him as a friend, because that would …kill him. After all, I’m the best friend he’s ever had, the only one that didn’t just walk out. On the other hand, I couldn’t date him. Not only was I not attracted to him, but also so many aspects of him reminded me of my father, and it hurt sometimes.

They are both Pisces and have bipolar disorder, and they both have these little things that they do and say that are all too similar.

But I knew it wasn’t good, I couldn’t let it go on like this, because even one of his good friends approached me to tell me that his depression was based off me, and that if it was possible, I should try and arrange some distancing, so his depression didn’t swallow him up.

I knew it had to be done, but I just didn’t know how… I guess I was procrastinating, but I guess the universe solved that one for itself, the fateful night that it all went down.

We had been planning the camping trip for a while, and it finally happened. There were two two-person tents, and a 6-person tent. There were two couples, him, me, and this other boy. I guess nobody was really thinking, it just made sense at the time to let the couples have the 2 person tents, and to dump the rest of us in the big tent.

We were all in a good mood, having a good time, we just went with it. And it didn’t turn out to be a problem, the first night. We slept well, woke up, went on with our day, and it was all good, until the next night, the last night we were there. We all turned off our flashlights, said goodnight, and hit the hay. I was sleeping all right, but sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to his arms around me. Not holding me like I was a teddy bear, but rather, grabbing and groping my boobs. I was horrified, but I was also half asleep and for the most part, confused. I was thinking “what is he doing, what?” I pushed his hands away, rolled over, and fell back asleep.

What felt like maybe 10 minutes later, I woke up to the same thing, except he was grabbing my butt. By now I was very concerned and angry, and I grabbed his hands and firmly put them away, and rolled over again, but this time I waited, staring into the dark, waiting for him to do it again. Sure enough, he tried again. His hand movements were very cautioned, and I could’ve sworn he was awake. I pushed his hands away and rolled as far away from him as I possibly could, utterly terrified. I tried to stay awake, but I drifted to sleep once more.

It must have been about 5 in the morning when I woke again, because the sun was coming up.

It wasn’t bright yet, but I could barely make out where the roof of the tent was. The lighting was sort of..blue.

I woke up and I was in a vice grip. I couldn’t move his arms were so tightly around me. He was also dry-humping me. One of his hands was trying to get under my pants, in the front, and he was whispering to me “Becka… You’re mine. Nobody else can have you.”

When he said that, a huge rush of anger washed through me. I was immensely angry, and a little afraid I wouldn’t be able to escape. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I grabbed his arm and threw it away, sitting up. He let go at once and I could tell he was “awake” now. I could feel his eyes on the back of my head as I sat there trying to comprehend what had just happened. “Are you ok?” He asked as if he had no idea what was wrong. I didn’t answer him. I had to get out of there, as far away as I could. I got out of my sleeping bag and out of the tent, it was pouring rain. I ran down the hill and into the bathrooms. It wasn’t until I got inside the bathroom and stood against the door that I realized; I was crying.
I crumpled to a pile on the floor and couldn’t breathe. The feeling, I couldn’t describe it. I was disgusted with myself. How could I have let that happen?!! I should’ve known not to sleep in the same tent as him. I should’ve gotten up the first time; I guess I figured he would stop… How could this happen. I paced the cold bathroom, cursing myself. I would never forgive him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t forgive myself, ever.

I yelled at the mirror, everything I wanted to go back and say to him. But the thing was, I didn’t want talk to him, didn’t want to see him ever again. I didn’t know what to do. Had he done more, while I was sleeping? I couldn’t stay in the bathroom. Something about that experience, waking up “trapped”, I hated the small space in the bathroom, I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out. I walked out into the rain and pretty soon I was soaked.

I didn’t want to go back to the campsite. I didn’t want to go back into the tent, not ever. I walked around the parking lot, clawing at my hair and face, trying to get the feeling out of my mind, the feeling of him around me, but it wouldn’t go away. I sat down against a car and let my head fall into my knees. I don’t know how long I stayed like that. Maybe half an hour, but it seemed like the time was going too slow. I didn’t want to go back to the campsite, but what if everyone was awake? They would wonder where I was, so I guess I went back thinking they were awake.

They weren’t.

I could tell he was, but I didn’t want to go back in there, that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I walked over to a tree and sat in the moss until they all came out.

He tried to talk to me, but I made it clear that wasn’t going to happen. We ended up going on a hike, but he stayed there. It was nice, I didn’t have to see him, but it’s all that was on my mind. I was livid. How could I have let that happen? How could he disrespect me like that?

After the hike, we packed up and got into the car. He sat in front of me and I sat in the back. He passed me a note “What did I do?” I crumpled it into a ball, shook my head, and threw it at him. I couldn’t find the words; I didn’t want to talk to him at all.

It wasn’t until an hour after I got home, he messaged me on Facebook “Hey, what’s up?” I couldn’t hold back. I yelled at him through text, how could he do that, after all this time, how could he disrespect me like that. His responses were short and surprised, and very apologetic, but I was too angry to care.

At one point his friend (who was living with him at the time) messaged me and asked me why his buddy was so pale. He informed me that he had proceeded to throw up on his bedroom floor, and had no idea what he had done. I didn’t know what to make of that, there’s no way it could have been an accident. There’s no way he could’ve been “asleep”. But apparently, he was. But even then, I just couldn’t find it within me to believe it. People don’t DO that in their sleep.

But I can’t forgive him. After all this time, its still fresh in my mind, and honestly, I never want to see him, talk to him, or hear his name ever again. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t be his friend anymore. I just cant.

The other day it occurred to me what I should’ve done right from the start. I should’ve punched him. I really should’ve punched him, broke his nose, and walked away. I really should have. Why didn’t I? Because in the moment, after it happened, I didn’t want to punch him, touch him, or even look at him, ever again. I guess I was still trying to tell myself it didn’t actually happen, because, I guess, I never thought it would.

The thing is, I don’t CARE if it was an accident or not. That doesn’t erase the fact that it happened. And I don’t know what to do about it. I should be over it, but somehow I’m not. It still haunts me, and I had a nightmare about it happening again the other night, except in the nightmare, I couldn’t escape, I couldn’t get up, I was trapped, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And in the nightmare, he did things to me that I couldn’t escape, he was too strong. To say the least it was terrifying and I don’t know what to do with myself.

But I’m okay. I’m not going to let this affect me.

Its over.

Its done.

warrior

 

 

That Little Sound

beeeyes

by: Glass Phoenix

ha
that little sound whittles its own way into my chest
poking and prodding and snickering around and about my heart.

ha

the looks
the stares
they overwhelm me
i am crying inside
fat soppy salties that ache.


part of me wants to scream

fine! fine!
part of me wants to yell
i hate you ALL!
part of me wants to whisper
no.

 

i don’t say
a word.

 

they want to fold me up and stuff me in their NO-THING-UN-NORMAL box.
they want to jam me into their skimpy dresses and show me off to the boys.
they want to paint my face to look picture pretty perfect!
they want me to be like them
just like them.

 

but i am no mirror of society
am no puppet to be worked by the performer’s hand

 

I AM NO WISH OF SOMETHING NOT THERE!

i am this imperfect little globe
of truth.

 

I AM NO MIRROR OF ALL THAT ISN’T!
i am a window
to the real me.

Artemis SLV After School Program 2014

In the fall of 2013 we began looking for a home for an after school program.
This search was inspired by two young women from our community who were looking for a way to give back to girls.
Emma and Ashley both found us through the facebook page and asked how and where thy could help!

It took several months but then we found Coast Redwood High School in Felton, California and we were off in February of 2014!

We had a generous grant from the Parent Booster Club of over $800.00 for scholarships to help fund the program.
With Ashley and Emma full of energy we set off and found 9 young women ages 14-18 to meet with once a week for 90 minutes.
Initially this was to be a 6 week program, but we ended up staying through the rest of the school year and even went to the beach on a Sunday afternoon just to celebrate.

Some of the things the girls had to say about the program in their surveys in May 2014:

“I know that no matter what’s going on in my life, or what emotional or physical state I’m in, I can count on all three of these amazing women for help and/or guidance. I really appreciate how much Ashley and Emma listen to what I’m feeling, always without judgment, and offer advice and help whenever they can. I really love how down to earth Kristen is, and I know that if I’m ever in a really challenging situation, she will not hesitate to do everything she can to help me, and I feel very comforted with how much strength she gives and has.”

“I just know I can trust these women and girls. They confided in me and I felt I could do the same. I’ve grown really close with them and I appreciate that they’ve made me feel so safe. I know that they won’t share anything to the outside world if I ask them not to. And they can give me advice in whatever I feel I need.”

“I probably wouldn’t be in the group if it wasn’t for Kristen, she is a supportive person and she has seemed genuinely interested in what I have to say, and that isn’t something I’ve experienced too many times in my life. I’ll honestly say that the day she wasn’t there I didn’t feel quite as comfortable in the group, the air in the room takes a different energy when she is there!”

“There was always talk of how whatever happens or is said in the circle, stays in the circle. I trust these girls completely, with anything….always!”

“Just the fact that you know that everything you say in Artemis won’t be talked about outside of the group helps a lot. Also knowing that anything you talk about won’t be judged and you will get great advice which was amazing!”

We are invited back for the 2014-15 school year!
With a base $1200.00 grant from the Parent Booster Club!

Sisters

My sister ran away from home on her 18th birthday, when I was 14 years old. I will never forget that day, not in my entire life. Its like that quote, ‘you might forget what someone did to you, but you will never forget the way they made you feel.’

And on that day, I knew something was going to happen. I’m not sure how… It must have been a sisterly-connection. In any case, she was on the back of my mind throughout that busy day. It was my first cross country race of the season, which was a huge deal. The years leading up to that, I had never lost a race, and I had great expectations! We left after school, on a Friday, to the course. It was a long course up Donner Pass, all uphill to the finish! I not only finished first, but got the fastest time for a girl on the course. I was so proud. Afterwards we cooled off at a river and I talked to my long time crush, who would later become my boyfriend for the next 6 years. The whole time I thought of my sister, and felt guilty that I had been gone all day on her birthday! But I couldn’t wait to tell her the things that happened! My success in my race and the giddy butterflies from talking to Scottie.

I got home sort of late and only my parents and young siblings were home. In my heart I knew something wasn’t right… I asked my mom where my sister was and she said she had gone out with her best friend. I shrugged it off, still feeling sad I had not seen her. I went to bed feeling worried. I woke up in the middle of the night and walked into her room.. Her bed was empty. My heart knew something was wrong, but I went back to bed. I woke up in the morning to my mother’s crying voice across the hall. I stumbled in Rachel’s room half-asleep only to be handed a very small, typed paragraph, from my sister explaining that she had moved in with her boyfriend.

I was in shock. For a very long time. I felt numb. I had plans with my best friend that day, I went over and still hadn’t realized the entirety of my loss. I went to school on Monday. I saw her boyfriend on campus. He was in my band class. I had to get out of that class. I started taking art instead.

I would leave class to go to the bathroom, but instead I would wander the halls. I started crying. I couldn’t tell my new boyfriend, I thought he wouldn’t understand. And how could I expect him to? I didn’t even understand.

I didn’t talk to my friends about it, they wouldn’t know what to say if I did. I didn’t want to be pitied. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I would get really angry sometimes. I would sit in her room and cry. I prayed for her to come back to me, I went outside in the middle of the night and prayed to the stars. In my dreams I told her over and over again how sorry I was.. I would sometimes think about wearing her favorite clothes. Her brown converse with the friendship bracelet still attached to the laces. I would put on one of her Beatles t-shirts and it would smell like her. I would quickly leave her room and close the door. These would be possessions our family would keep forever, in boxes, in our closets, always somewhere in the room, in our hearts, never forgotten.

I started to get angry with my parents. Why didn’t they try harder to reach her?

Why didn’t we drive to her boyfriend’s parent’s house where she was living?

My parents became sad. They started talking about moving away from Nevada City, saying it was better for my dad’s job. He was offered a position at Stanford.

We left Nevada City and moved to Santa Cruz. Things in my life changed, and I changed. I started to forget those late nights in the cabin, watching scary movies. I forgot all the weird voices we used to make. I didn’t hate her boyfriend/husband anymore. I didn’t blame her for anything, I didn’t care about the past. I just wanted her back in my life. I wanted the closest person in my life back. My hero, my best friend, my sister.

As more time went on, some days would go by that I nearly forgot. I wondered if she thought about me, if she were interested in my life.. What would have been different for me if I still had my older sister to talk to through high school? To be there for my first kiss and so on, my first prom, my last race.

I went to Vermont and I was starting another new chapter. I wondered what she was doing in Ohio.

We had talked a handful of times on facebook messages long after she left…. Nothing serious or real. Only that I missed her. Time had changed us… You can’t take back time. It didn’t feel like I was talking to my sister anymore.

She had two babies. Two precious babies that I’ve never met.

Recently I reached out to her. We went back and forth messaging. I was crying mad. I asked her why she really left all those years ago. And her answer was so simple I could hardly accept it. She couldn’t stand my parents fighting anymore. My dad’s drinking. I cried and cried. I told her she was wrong in thinking she was alone. That I too had gone through all of that. I also wished to leave many times. But I stayed. And I needed her to be there for me. I decided we needed to talk on the phone. I heard her voice for the first time in 8 years.

How could so many years go by without talking to someone who felt the same way you did? I always blamed myself. I had no idea the sole reason for her disappearance was something right in front of me. I felt cheated. I felt like I missed out on the best thing I had. I felt lied to by my parents, like they knew all along.

But I chose to forgive everyone.

Rachel and I haven’t talked since. Our lives are so different now. I can only hope the we can grow closer to each other as more time goes on. We are two different people now. Both much older and wiser. Leading two different lives. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Miss her. Love her. Until the day I die.

By: E
Age 21